Mind racing. Heart chasing,
but the reality of catching
quickly fading.
Yet even as I am chasing,
it only takes a moment of hoping
to keep me going and going.
And then a thought starts growing
and at least I'm left knowing
that all the chasing
is really just preparing
my heart for running,
Freely on its own.
The course I'll be setting
unknowingly leading
to the end I've been seeking.
But right now, my mind is reeling,
and my heart is left dragging.
All because my hope is depleting,
and there is no freedom feeling all alone.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Monday, November 26, 2012
Rest
3:40 EHHHH. EMMMM.
I should be asleep, right?
It's weird how things start changing in your brain. What happens up there, anyway? Do I just accept it?
Should I fight myself or should I be fighting time? Maybe I should just be fighting to be okay. I'm not really sure what okay means anymore. I started contemplating this seven months ago. It was seven months ago that things started to change.
Perhaps, there's nothing to fight. And instead, maybe I need to do the opposite of fighting...resting. It is time to rest. But, my brain is really confused about what rest actually is, so it doesn't know how to fight for it anymore. And my body has been suffering from rest for a while now, so as a result it's taken to fighting against rest. But my heart, it still remembers and desires rest. Desperately desires rest.
Rest has become something that all of me must fight for. So fight, I shall.
I should be asleep, right?
It's weird how things start changing in your brain. What happens up there, anyway? Do I just accept it?
Should I fight myself or should I be fighting time? Maybe I should just be fighting to be okay. I'm not really sure what okay means anymore. I started contemplating this seven months ago. It was seven months ago that things started to change.
Perhaps, there's nothing to fight. And instead, maybe I need to do the opposite of fighting...resting. It is time to rest. But, my brain is really confused about what rest actually is, so it doesn't know how to fight for it anymore. And my body has been suffering from rest for a while now, so as a result it's taken to fighting against rest. But my heart, it still remembers and desires rest. Desperately desires rest.
Rest has become something that all of me must fight for. So fight, I shall.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
These last passing moments.
Hey,
Yeah it has been a while. A really long while. And for most of it, I didn't have anything to say to you. I mean what was there to say? "This is the hardest thing I've ever been through." But there's no point in sharing that with you when you're not to blame because there is nobody to blame since every moment of it is worth it.
But what does that mean that these moments have been worth it? I think that maybe the moments that aren't worth sharing are still worth passing because they must pass in order to get to us to the moments that we get to share.
And I'm starting to believe that maybe the first of those moments is actually getting closer with each passing one. The passing moments were too long for me to realize this before. I think this can be explained by one of two ways. Either they were so long that every one went so slowly that I wasn't sure that anything had passed. Or maybe it's that the moments filled with the same gasp, the same ache, and the same wince left me feeling no different and since my eyes were continually filling with and flushing away tears I never saw the moments passing. So whether I didn't feel them pass or I didn't see them, it's really of no difference because they surely have passed.
That's why this weekend was different. The moments really did pass--I saw them and felt them come and go. So, so many. Of course I wanted to thank Him for them first, and so I did. But they were moments I wanted to share. And you know you only want to share the ones that you believe can be fully shared--moments that are fully shared are moments of which no measure of their worth is lost in the sharing. They're so good...are you coming soon?
Now that will be quite the moment.
Yeah it has been a while. A really long while. And for most of it, I didn't have anything to say to you. I mean what was there to say? "This is the hardest thing I've ever been through." But there's no point in sharing that with you when you're not to blame because there is nobody to blame since every moment of it is worth it.
But what does that mean that these moments have been worth it? I think that maybe the moments that aren't worth sharing are still worth passing because they must pass in order to get to us to the moments that we get to share.
And I'm starting to believe that maybe the first of those moments is actually getting closer with each passing one. The passing moments were too long for me to realize this before. I think this can be explained by one of two ways. Either they were so long that every one went so slowly that I wasn't sure that anything had passed. Or maybe it's that the moments filled with the same gasp, the same ache, and the same wince left me feeling no different and since my eyes were continually filling with and flushing away tears I never saw the moments passing. So whether I didn't feel them pass or I didn't see them, it's really of no difference because they surely have passed.
That's why this weekend was different. The moments really did pass--I saw them and felt them come and go. So, so many. Of course I wanted to thank Him for them first, and so I did. But they were moments I wanted to share. And you know you only want to share the ones that you believe can be fully shared--moments that are fully shared are moments of which no measure of their worth is lost in the sharing. They're so good...are you coming soon?
Now that will be quite the moment.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
rhymes of wonder
It's a wonder that's kept a life of blunder
from running me asunder
or getting me too far under
to see the light of day
the light of day
that lets me know my way
in a world of disarray
and tells me i can make it
i can make it
because my heart is lit
and tells my body to sit
and know there's nothing more
there's nothing more
that could give any allure
to the things i craved before
that had my hope running
my hope running
to what was only cunning
and always left me shunning
what i didn't know i needed
i didn't know i needed
to have heard and heeded
the One to whom i've now conceded
of whose light is far brighter
his light far brighter
his power surely higher
his heart of a fighter
that all prove He's a wonder.
from running me asunder
or getting me too far under
to see the light of day
the light of day
that lets me know my way
in a world of disarray
and tells me i can make it
i can make it
because my heart is lit
and tells my body to sit
and know there's nothing more
there's nothing more
that could give any allure
to the things i craved before
that had my hope running
my hope running
to what was only cunning
and always left me shunning
what i didn't know i needed
i didn't know i needed
to have heard and heeded
the One to whom i've now conceded
of whose light is far brighter
his light far brighter
his power surely higher
his heart of a fighter
that all prove He's a wonder.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Hide and Seek
I guess tonight wasn't meant for sleep.
Maybe it was meant for tears.
for questions. for pain. for fears.
My eyes flood because my heart hurts
because the best dog that ever was
will have his last spaghetti dinner on Sunday.
Questions speed along until they crash into bone
because my mind isn't satisfied with what it knows.
Or maybe it doesn't like the answers that it has.
Pain is pain is pain
because female is female is female.
And man is man. And we all ache and moan.
Fear and freedom play hide and seek.
Fear always hiding. Freedom always seeking.
Both players grow weary
because it's a game with no end.
For fear is a hider that's afraid of being found.
But does freedom give fear the freedom to fear?
Or does freedom give fear the freedom to be free?
Questions that crash into bone.
Maybe it was meant for tears.
for questions. for pain. for fears.
My eyes flood because my heart hurts
because the best dog that ever was
will have his last spaghetti dinner on Sunday.
Questions speed along until they crash into bone
because my mind isn't satisfied with what it knows.
Or maybe it doesn't like the answers that it has.
Pain is pain is pain
because female is female is female.
And man is man. And we all ache and moan.
Fear and freedom play hide and seek.
Fear always hiding. Freedom always seeking.
Both players grow weary
because it's a game with no end.
For fear is a hider that's afraid of being found.
But does freedom give fear the freedom to fear?
Or does freedom give fear the freedom to be free?
Questions that crash into bone.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Words. As of lately.
scattered thoughts. spacey mind.
unfinished tasks. to-do lists miles long.
locked-in keys. flattened computer.
sores in mouth. achy joints.
blood-stained urine. swollen organs.
fatigued body. pain-stricken mind.
screenings. lab tests.
pills. chemo.
fears. tears.
ADD. Lupus.
Frustration. Confusion. Anger.
Suffering.
Perseverance. Character. Hope.
His will. His goodness. His love.
Perfect. Acceptable. Pleasing.
God's glory. God's glory. God's glory.
Forever and ever more. Amen.
unfinished tasks. to-do lists miles long.
locked-in keys. flattened computer.
sores in mouth. achy joints.
blood-stained urine. swollen organs.
fatigued body. pain-stricken mind.
screenings. lab tests.
pills. chemo.
fears. tears.
ADD. Lupus.
Frustration. Confusion. Anger.
Suffering.
Perseverance. Character. Hope.
His will. His goodness. His love.
Perfect. Acceptable. Pleasing.
God's glory. God's glory. God's glory.
Forever and ever more. Amen.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Smiling
They were there smiling. Smiling from thousands of miles away and smiling right there next to me. And their smiles made me want to smile, although I never thought that would be.
I never thought that it would be good to see them smiling next to somebody that wasn't me. Because both of them had once told me that I'd be the only one to make them smile, forever. That made me smile, but then we stopped smiling. And so we stopped thinking about smiling forever.
But they are smiling again today, and they are smiling next to somebody that isn't me. The smiling ones that aren't me, they're the ones that make me smile because I know that they're smiling exactly where they're supposed to be.
I never thought that it would be good to see them smiling next to somebody that wasn't me. Because both of them had once told me that I'd be the only one to make them smile, forever. That made me smile, but then we stopped smiling. And so we stopped thinking about smiling forever.
But they are smiling again today, and they are smiling next to somebody that isn't me. The smiling ones that aren't me, they're the ones that make me smile because I know that they're smiling exactly where they're supposed to be.
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